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|Win Lose In a Relationship
Lock It Self Victory
The term of this lose-win very often we come up with in the practice of relationship with others (Relationship). The relationship here could include the relationship in public areas (business partners, professional colleagues, lecturers, etc.) and relationships in private areas (husband and wife, family, friends, etc.). The form can also be material and non material, may be in the results or in the form of the process.
The urge to get that victory, if by Horne (Our Inner Conflict, 1945), including one human needs or include an innate instinct of everyone. According to him, human needs can be grouped into three:
1. Humans need to move toward others to get love, acceptance, compassion, respect, etc.
2. Humans need to move away from others to gain freedom, independence, peace, etc.
3. Humans need to move against another person to show strength, victory, or greatness, etc.
However, his name is also innate. It is the innate potential. That potential raw material. Therefore, can be harmful and could be profitable. It depends on how that potential is processed or "educated\". Someone I know, let's call her name A, realizes that her relationship with others that had been lost, although previously he had always considered it a victory.
When I was young, he was feeling a temperament A high and a perfectionist. With blood in his youth, he always had a standard that others who need to understand who he is. Coupled with his mastery of the skill that high, it was perfect standard to be applied. Few found irregularities in others, directly out ultimatums. This made him frequently changing business partners, and also moved a lot of work.
Over time, he apparently changed his mind. In conclusion, a victory that he had glorified, it is less able to provide quality long-lasting relationships. The urge to always have to win it even led to the defeat in the future. Shape, among others: the relation is not much, the relation is only temporary, lack of loyal supporters, and so on.
From a number of similar cases that often we meet, it is always relative and victory is relative, as far as we understand it as a synonym for the defeat of others. Why? Besides often driven by passion, victory by beating the other person will create resistance. This is because no human being who want to be defeated. Therefore, His strong doctrine teaches that until we have to win against any other person, should not make others fall in prices.
So the victory was not relative and not relative, wisdom teachings in this world invites us to understand the victory was not like that. The victory was not to be understood as a synonym for the defeat of others, especially in the practice of everyday relationships, but the victory over self. Victory over self is the form that we achieve victory by mastering an innate instinct to win so do not make us lose, eventually.
"The more people who managed to beat us,
often only made us increasingly weak positions"
Some characteristics of Self Victory
The man who won over him was not a figure who has never advanced to compete in a lose-win relationship. The man who won over him was not a very good figure, so too will be victimized by others. The man who won over him was not a man who never mad at anyone else.
Need we recall that the victory itself that there is at the level of interpersonal relationships between us and ourselves. That there are others who opened the door of lose-win contest, there are other people who harm and benefit, there are others that need to be respected or reprimanded, that\'s all there at the level of interpersonal relations between us and others.
In essence, the man who triumphed over him was still doing the things that human life or still face realities consequences arising from relationships with others. Only difference is:
* First, the victory over himself is concentrating on efforts to fight for the vision, realize its goal of short-term or long term, or in order to actualize the potential for achievement. For example, we face the battle of office politics has reached another level dropped. As far as we are still able to concentrate minds and act on the vision, goals, and the actualization, then we have achieved victory.
* Second, the victory over self that maintain the values of truth, goodness, and Useful was not debated anymore because it was absolute. In some cases, this requires sacrifices and often looks like a defeat. Therefore, in religion, if we even bad luck with maintaining the value, it's not unfortunate, but the exam (bala'). This exam is the moment to test whether we will commit and wait for our initiative, or only half-measures. Often there are people who have a clean hard to find a job after resign or repent of a dirty old job. If this person loses his senses, he will easily return to a dirty old job. But if he wins, he will successfully pass the exam. Because there are often a test and this defeat, so the Lord cautioned not to defend someone who was fooled by the reality of the value of a temporary and superficial.
* Third, the victory over self aligning personal interests, personal subjectivity, or the selfishness of personal desires to the values, teachings, or common sense. So, we come first before the interests of value. Everyone must have a personal interest because there use even this. The difference is, there are subordinated to the values, teachings, or common sense and some ignore it all. Proof of submission is not at all be measured from our statement in front of others, in the place of meeting, or in front of the press, but from the evidence that we do for ourselves. To borrow the phrase Covey, submission of evidence that could distinguish whether the submission is on the "What" (what is the right) or on the "Who" (personal or agency). If we've succeeded to do reflect on "what" (the value of truth that is no longer debatable), it means we're getting a good victory.
* Fourth, the victory over self in ways that avoid harm or harm, either for themselves or others. If we lose the engagement, motivation, and improvement ideas in the office because of seeing injustice, although it humanely, but we've lost his life by ourselves. Properly, while still trying to resolve injustice, then we keep doing positive things for ourselves, minimum. Victory over self that actually is not an end but a process that we must travel in order to achieve the goal. The goal is to uphold the vision, maintaining the value, or self-development. That is, if the process of reaching this goal halted because of irregularities and violations of other people, it means that the goal of victory itself was not achieved.
* Fifth, it took the victory over self and pulled out. We will win if successful draw lessons from whatever happens to us for processing a benefit or profit can we remove from ourselves. In this way means that improvements will continue to appear for improvement.
Much evidence indicates that self-victory had positive effects not only on the interpersonal relationships, but also on the domain of interpersonal relations. The positive effects that can appear either in order to encourage or face other people as opponents. For example we would like to invite our partners (husband and wife) to celebrate the birthday of the child at home. If we come up with is personal taste, all the more personal egoism, will usually meet with resistance or bring a sense of counterculture.
But if we come up with it is partisanship on the values of simplicity, welfare, or any value, it's usually better accepted and relatively smaller potential for the emergence of a sense of counterculture. Of course, should be supported with good ways of communicating that partisanship. Even if this stance has become a culture of life, usually it will be understood as charisma. Charisma will appear comparable with our alignments.
According to Terry Or-lick (The Wheel of Excellence, 2004), an expert on sports psychology, self-victory that will determine the fate of an athlete in the ring. Not all athletes who beat rival opponent will be the winner. Could be a victory when it will be the beginning of defeat. Likewise, not all athletes who were defeated in the ring it will be defeated forever. Could be a defeat when it is the road to victory.
These dynamics will be determined by the victory itself. Athletes who lose in the ring, but continue to learn from defeat, still practicing, while maintaining the values, or still have a positive attitude, will surely win eventually, either in any form. But the athletes who win in the ring, however, the lazy practice, ignoring the value, more press coverage than concentrating on training, he will lose later.
"Before you become a warrior, you must be a winner"
(Doctrine of the Samurai)
In everyday practice, the dynamic of human relationships. The dynamics of this relationship when referring to his thought Tom Jaap (Enabling Leadership, Achieving Result With People, 1989), can be explained as follows:
1. Concession (Concession). We realized the need to succumb to make other people feel happy about winning or (lose-win), either in the form of attitude or results.
2. Compromise (compromise). We invite others to be equally accept losses (a lose-lose), can be 50%: 50% and could be 40: 60, depending on circumstances.
3. Consensus (consensus). We create a win-win agreement, all parties felt to win, or nothing is harmed, minimum.
4. Coercion (Coercion). We lead others to be lost or to create a strategy that makes us more victory, either by force of hard or soft. Usually, this is often taken by a powerful person (the position above) or powerless (insecure or afraid)
Fourth on the dynamics that we could be there or there is a Condition as a strategy that makes us conditioned by certain external factors. Supported by a victory that far away, as we have seen its characters in advance, so there are only three possibilities:
* We will both win,
* If we lose, the defeat was not total or is not lost forever, and
* If we win, the victory was not to make others fall in prices themselves.
"The defeat was temporary in nature,
but will be immortal if we lose by ourselves. "
Tahun 1984, Allah telah menunjukan kepada insan yang berada disuatu daerah yang pantas kita sebut daerah pedesaan, kejadian yang bisa disebut langka tapi nyata. Masyarakat sekitar dikejutkan dengan informasi meninggalnya seorang warga, informasi tersebut adalah meninggalnya seorang warga saat acara doa bersama tepatnya di sebuah mesjid.
Setiap hari kehidupan Al-marhum terlihat sederhana, bahkan masyarakat setempat sering memuji akan sifat, dan lemah lembut dari prilakunya, masyarakat telah lama mengetahui akan latar belakang kehidupan Al-marhum yang sebelumnya pernah menjadi seorang insan yang jauh dari ajaran agama. Namun karena hidayah Allah telah datang Al-hamdulillah sedikit demi sedikit dapat berobahnya sehingga masyarakat segan dan menghormatinya.
Allah telah memanggil Al-marhum tepatnya pada malam senin pukul 21.00, malam itulah masyarakat merasa kehilangan dengan kepergian beliau untuk selama-lamanya. Ada yang membuat masyarakat aneh yaitu Al-marhum tidak kelihatan awalnya sakit atau kelihatan murung, malah justru pada hari minggunya Al-marhum malah berangkat ke kebun bersama anaknya sendiri.
Malam senin sudah biasa di lingkungannya diadakan pengajian mingguan, kebetulan waktu itu yang namanya jaringan listrik belum sampai, sehinga pengjian waktu itu pakai lampu badai. Namun tidak memngurangi kesemangatan warga untuk menuntut ilmu sehingga warga banyak yang berdatangan.
Tidak biasanya pengajian waktu itu diadakan di Madrosah yang padahal biasanya diadakan di Mesjid, dan saat orang lain berada di Madrosah Al-marhum malah lebih baik diam di Mesjid bersama dengan anaknya sendiri.
Saat acara doa berlangsung Al-marhum mengangkat tangannya dan berdoa penuh dengan rasa khusu bahkan sempat mengeluarkan air mata, disamping kiri anaknya sedang berbaring melihat sang ayah lagi berdoa penuh khusu, tak terasa air mata anaknyapun ikut membasahi kedua pipinya, entah pertanda apa yang tidak biasanya sang anak mengeluarkan air mata waktu ayahnya berdoa, mungkin inilah pertanda pertemuan terakhir antara anak dan bapak.
Lama Al-marhum berdoa, namun saat akan selesai berdoa kedua tangan beliau mendekap di dadanya hingga beliau sampai berbaring dan menghadap ke arah kiblat, anaknya heran ada apa dengan sang ayah, maka timbul pertanyaan di hati sang anak, apakah ayahku meninggal ataukah pingsan…?
Sementara pertanyaan tersebut belum terjawab, dan pada pukul 21.30 jawabannya nyata terdengar oleh sang anak. Warga yang selesai pengajian langsung ke mesjid untuk melaksanakan solat Isya, kemudian warga justru heran kenapa dia belum juga bangun, dan saat itu ketua DKM yang membangunkan beliau, dan apa yang terjadi ketua DKM malah bangun terperanjat..sambil mengucapkan Innalillahi Wainna Ilaihi Rajiiun, sang anak malah justru yang pingsan.
Warga merasa sangat kehilangan seorang insan soleh, masyarakat banyak yang berkata mati inilah yang selalu kita harapkan yaitu Khusnul Khotimah. Mudah-mudahan hikmah dari kisah nyata ini menjadi bahan renungan bagi kita agar senantiasa ingat akan mati dan kita berharap mati, saat kita iman dan Islam. Amin.
Thank's To Syaepulloh Rahmat
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