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Marital disputes and relationship healing: how to do repairs
It’s normal in any married life to have confrontations and disputes . Is the how you solve them what matters....when in a couple partners don’t bother even listening to the other side, the gap widens and relationships get sour. Soon you will be feeling frustration and other negative emotions difficult to dilute. You can be easily tempted to fight fire with fire and answer his perceived aggressions with more aggression from your side.
Perhaps he will interpret your response as a new aggression, and withdraw from conversations. If he could remember that each dispute is a request for understanding; each confrontation a hidden search for recognition from you!
If we could tell your husband that when he perceives that you yelling at him, he has to resist his first impulse to escape or shout back, and be there for you....
He could listen and own every word that comes out of your mouth. He could then validate what you say; repeat what you said back to you, and ask if he got the whole version of your challenge, or if there is something else that escaped his understanding.
Then he could even go into apology mode, by saying things like, “I’ve been such a selfish person. Please, forgive me; I don’t want to be that person anymore, because I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” And mean it.
Is this what you need, right? That he could connect with your pain and respond to it, instead of defending himself?
As long as he doesn’t understand your pain, both are missing multiple opportunities for love, for understanding and mutual support that are all possible for you two now.
This is what your Conflict Coach recommends: if you want to do real relationship repair, begin for taking care of her needs. Accept her anger, as a fact of your life; hear her words of pain, validate her feelings as true and legitimate, and never forget that this marital strife is originated in the years and years of insensitivity towards her.
But, if you want to be really married to her, as a grown up and not as a child, you need to understand that this is what a woman wants in a relationship with a significant other. She needs and deserves your honesty. This means that you have to take a good look at yourself and discover, accept and heal those parts of you that are not matching her reality; those aspects of your life that don’t reflect adult commitment yet.
Neil Warner is the “relationship guru,” and his main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.
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