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|Win Lose In a Relationship
Lock It Self Victory
The term of this lose-win very often we come up with in the practice of relationship with others (Relationship). The relationship here could include the relationship in public areas (business partners, professional colleagues, lecturers, etc.) and relationships in private areas (husband and wife, family, friends, etc.). The form can also be material and non material, may be in the results or in the form of the process.
The urge to get that victory, if by Horne (Our Inner Conflict, 1945), including one human needs or include an innate instinct of everyone. According to him, human needs can be grouped into three:
1. Humans need to move toward others to get love, acceptance, compassion, respect, etc.
2. Humans need to move away from others to gain freedom, independence, peace, etc.
3. Humans need to move against another person to show strength, victory, or greatness, etc.
However, his name is also innate. It is the innate potential. That potential raw material. Therefore, can be harmful and could be profitable. It depends on how that potential is processed or "educated\". Someone I know, let's call her name A, realizes that her relationship with others that had been lost, although previously he had always considered it a victory.
When I was young, he was feeling a temperament A high and a perfectionist. With blood in his youth, he always had a standard that others who need to understand who he is. Coupled with his mastery of the skill that high, it was perfect standard to be applied. Few found irregularities in others, directly out ultimatums. This made him frequently changing business partners, and also moved a lot of work.
Over time, he apparently changed his mind. In conclusion, a victory that he had glorified, it is less able to provide quality long-lasting relationships. The urge to always have to win it even led to the defeat in the future. Shape, among others: the relation is not much, the relation is only temporary, lack of loyal supporters, and so on.
From a number of similar cases that often we meet, it is always relative and victory is relative, as far as we understand it as a synonym for the defeat of others. Why? Besides often driven by passion, victory by beating the other person will create resistance. This is because no human being who want to be defeated. Therefore, His strong doctrine teaches that until we have to win against any other person, should not make others fall in prices.
So the victory was not relative and not relative, wisdom teachings in this world invites us to understand the victory was not like that. The victory was not to be understood as a synonym for the defeat of others, especially in the practice of everyday relationships, but the victory over self. Victory over self is the form that we achieve victory by mastering an innate instinct to win so do not make us lose, eventually.
"The more people who managed to beat us,
often only made us increasingly weak positions"
Some characteristics of Self Victory
The man who won over him was not a figure who has never advanced to compete in a lose-win relationship. The man who won over him was not a very good figure, so too will be victimized by others. The man who won over him was not a man who never mad at anyone else.
Need we recall that the victory itself that there is at the level of interpersonal relationships between us and ourselves. That there are others who opened the door of lose-win contest, there are other people who harm and benefit, there are others that need to be respected or reprimanded, that\'s all there at the level of interpersonal relations between us and others.
In essence, the man who triumphed over him was still doing the things that human life or still face realities consequences arising from relationships with others. Only difference is:
* First, the victory over himself is concentrating on efforts to fight for the vision, realize its goal of short-term or long term, or in order to actualize the potential for achievement. For example, we face the battle of office politics has reached another level dropped. As far as we are still able to concentrate minds and act on the vision, goals, and the actualization, then we have achieved victory.
* Second, the victory over self that maintain the values of truth, goodness, and Useful was not debated anymore because it was absolute. In some cases, this requires sacrifices and often looks like a defeat. Therefore, in religion, if we even bad luck with maintaining the value, it's not unfortunate, but the exam (bala'). This exam is the moment to test whether we will commit and wait for our initiative, or only half-measures. Often there are people who have a clean hard to find a job after resign or repent of a dirty old job. If this person loses his senses, he will easily return to a dirty old job. But if he wins, he will successfully pass the exam. Because there are often a test and this defeat, so the Lord cautioned not to defend someone who was fooled by the reality of the value of a temporary and superficial.
* Third, the victory over self aligning personal interests, personal subjectivity, or the selfishness of personal desires to the values, teachings, or common sense. So, we come first before the interests of value. Everyone must have a personal interest because there use even this. The difference is, there are subordinated to the values, teachings, or common sense and some ignore it all. Proof of submission is not at all be measured from our statement in front of others, in the place of meeting, or in front of the press, but from the evidence that we do for ourselves. To borrow the phrase Covey, submission of evidence that could distinguish whether the submission is on the "What" (what is the right) or on the "Who" (personal or agency). If we've succeeded to do reflect on "what" (the value of truth that is no longer debatable), it means we're getting a good victory.
* Fourth, the victory over self in ways that avoid harm or harm, either for themselves or others. If we lose the engagement, motivation, and improvement ideas in the office because of seeing injustice, although it humanely, but we've lost his life by ourselves. Properly, while still trying to resolve injustice, then we keep doing positive things for ourselves, minimum. Victory over self that actually is not an end but a process that we must travel in order to achieve the goal. The goal is to uphold the vision, maintaining the value, or self-development. That is, if the process of reaching this goal halted because of irregularities and violations of other people, it means that the goal of victory itself was not achieved.
* Fifth, it took the victory over self and pulled out. We will win if successful draw lessons from whatever happens to us for processing a benefit or profit can we remove from ourselves. In this way means that improvements will continue to appear for improvement.
Much evidence indicates that self-victory had positive effects not only on the interpersonal relationships, but also on the domain of interpersonal relations. The positive effects that can appear either in order to encourage or face other people as opponents. For example we would like to invite our partners (husband and wife) to celebrate the birthday of the child at home. If we come up with is personal taste, all the more personal egoism, will usually meet with resistance or bring a sense of counterculture.
But if we come up with it is partisanship on the values of simplicity, welfare, or any value, it's usually better accepted and relatively smaller potential for the emergence of a sense of counterculture. Of course, should be supported with good ways of communicating that partisanship. Even if this stance has become a culture of life, usually it will be understood as charisma. Charisma will appear comparable with our alignments.
According to Terry Or-lick (The Wheel of Excellence, 2004), an expert on sports psychology, self-victory that will determine the fate of an athlete in the ring. Not all athletes who beat rival opponent will be the winner. Could be a victory when it will be the beginning of defeat. Likewise, not all athletes who were defeated in the ring it will be defeated forever. Could be a defeat when it is the road to victory.
These dynamics will be determined by the victory itself. Athletes who lose in the ring, but continue to learn from defeat, still practicing, while maintaining the values, or still have a positive attitude, will surely win eventually, either in any form. But the athletes who win in the ring, however, the lazy practice, ignoring the value, more press coverage than concentrating on training, he will lose later.
"Before you become a warrior, you must be a winner"
(Doctrine of the Samurai)
In everyday practice, the dynamic of human relationships. The dynamics of this relationship when referring to his thought Tom Jaap (Enabling Leadership, Achieving Result With People, 1989), can be explained as follows:
1. Concession (Concession). We realized the need to succumb to make other people feel happy about winning or (lose-win), either in the form of attitude or results.
2. Compromise (compromise). We invite others to be equally accept losses (a lose-lose), can be 50%: 50% and could be 40: 60, depending on circumstances.
3. Consensus (consensus). We create a win-win agreement, all parties felt to win, or nothing is harmed, minimum.
4. Coercion (Coercion). We lead others to be lost or to create a strategy that makes us more victory, either by force of hard or soft. Usually, this is often taken by a powerful person (the position above) or powerless (insecure or afraid)
Fourth on the dynamics that we could be there or there is a Condition as a strategy that makes us conditioned by certain external factors. Supported by a victory that far away, as we have seen its characters in advance, so there are only three possibilities:
* We will both win,
* If we lose, the defeat was not total or is not lost forever, and
* If we win, the victory was not to make others fall in prices themselves.
"The defeat was temporary in nature,
but will be immortal if we lose by ourselves. "
Kisah Muallaf Lady
sekitar pukul 5 sore Senin kemarin, 13 Maret 2006, The Islamic Cultural Center of New York sebenarnya agak sepi. Saya juga sebenanrnya sudah bersiap-siap untuk pulang dan kembali ke kantor perwakilan RI untuk PBB New York. Resepsionis juga telah pulang sehingga kantor di Islamic Center memang telah kosong.
Tiba-tiba security datang ke kantor dan memberitahu jika ada dua orang yang ingin bertanya tentang Islam. Saya katakan, "Tunggu karena saya sudah bersiap-siap untuk berangkat." Saya pun keluar ke ruang tunggu menemui mereka. Ternyata keduanya adalah gadis belia, kakak beradik. Yang tua bernama Lady Rodriguez berumur sekitar 20 tahun dan adiknya bernama Souly (menurutnya dari kata Soul) berumur sekitar 17 tahun. Keduanya adalah pelajar.
Sambil mempersilahkan duduk dengan tenang, saya memulai dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan pribadi. Biasanya menanyakan nama, keluarga, sekolah, dll. Lalu dari mana mengenal Islamic Center dan juga pernahkan mendengar Islam sebelumnya, atau buku apa yang dibaca tentang Islam. Yang mengejutkan, ternyata keduanya mengenal Islam hanya dari internet. Bahkan ketika saya Tanya, apakah sudah punya Al Qur'an? Keduanya mengatakan bahwa mereka belum memilikinya, hanya sudah membacanya juga lewat internet.
Yang mengejutkan juga, di saat saya menjelaskan dasar-dasar keimanan (rukun Iman), tiba-tiba mata si Lady berkaca-kaca dan mengucurkan airmata. Ketika saya Tanya, apa gerangan yang menjadikannya menangis? Dijawabnya dengan terbata, "I feel happy." Saya tanya lagi, "Why?."? Dijawabnya: "Because I have what I am looking for, my God.". Sementara adiknya hanya tersenyum mendengarkan penjelasan saya dan sekali-sekali mangguk-mangguk.
Saya menjelaskan rukun Iman, rukun Islam, tentu dengan membandingkan konsepsi iman dan ibadah antara Islam dan Katolik. Selain itu juga saya jelaskan tentang konsepsi Islam itu sendiri dalam kehidupan nyata manusia. Bahwa Islam itu adalah kehidupan kita. Dengan aturan Islam itulah kita hidup dengan lebih sehat dan bahagia. Beberapa hal memang saya rincikan, sepertyi pelarangan makan babi, minum Khamar, judi, hubungan tanpa nikah, dll. Tentu saya juga jelaskan bagaimana menjaga hubungan silaturrahim dengan semua pihak, khususnya dengan orang tua dan sanak keluarga.
Tanpa terasa, hampir sejam saya menjelaskan Islam kepada kedua gadis belia ini. Pada akhirnya saya tawarkan jika ada pertanyaan atau hal-hal yang perlu diklarifikasi. Keduanya menggelengkan kepala. Sayapun katakana, "Thank you for coming. Hopefully your have learned something about Islam." Tidak lupa saya katakan: "I will give you some reading materials. Read them carefully, and if you feel that Islam is the right way for you, come back again."
Tapi saya terkejut tiba-tiba Lady sekali lagi meneteskan airmata dan mengatakan, "I am ready." Hampir tidak percaya karena belajar Isalam dari internet tentu banyak misleading. Saya tanyakan jika orang tuanya tahu mengenai niatnya untuk masuk Islam. Lady menjawab, "My mom knows and she respect my decision." Segera saya mencari seorang Muslimah di masjid untuk mengajarnya mengambil wudhu. Rencanya syahadat akan saya bimbing menjelas didirikan shalat magrib sekitar pukul 6 sore itu.
Setelah selesai berwudhu, lebih mengejutkan lagi, ternyata adiknya juga ikut mengambil air wudhu dan menyatakan tekad mengikuti kakaknya masuk Islam. Alhamdulillah, setelah azan magrib sore kemarin, dengan memuji kebesaran Ialhi saya tuntun kedua gadis ini mengucapkan, "Ash-hadu an Laa ilaalah illaLLAH wa Ash-hadu anna Muhammadan rasulullah" disaksikan oleh ratusan jama'ah magrib di Islamic Center dan disambut dengan pekik ALlahu Akbar!
Iqamah untuk shalat magrib dikumandangkan. Lady dan Souly kini menjalankan shalat pertamanya sebagai Muslimah. Doaku mengiringi, semoga kalian berdua dikuatkan dan dituntun selalu ke jalan yang diridhaiNya.
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