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3 years ago
I Suffered in Silence
I Suffered in Silence
I was watching a film a year ago and I still remember what the character in that film said, “I suffered in silence”. That statement struck me much. There was a little “sound” and perhaps pain inside me that very moment. I wanted to shout but I didn’t want to be obvious with my boardmates that happened to be my former students what I have experienced. I do not know if it is right to open that little “silence” in me to them. I have been through a lot of relationships in the past. Some are just a wink of an eye. Some stayed a little longer. Some are like a whirlwind romance. No one will agree if your position in your present relationship is the second one. Second best. Second in command. Second in the celebration of your monthsary because they celebrated it a week prior to your occasion. Second…second…second! Of course, I am not dreaming of a perfect relationship…because there is no such thing as PERFECT relationship. No right to whine…no right to ask…like a nomad in a desert…no permanent place to go. How could I tell him that…”Hey! Just do everything in moderation. Please! “ or, should I say, “Psst! I am jealous!”. Hahahahaha. Remember, I do not have the right to ask…even to feel pain…even to complain. Sometimes I asked myself if it is the time to unchain the connection between us. Sometimes, I kept asking myself if I can still bear the pain of loving him although it hurts. I suffered in silence…perhaps…because he ignores me. I do not even know if he cares for me. Age gap? Twenty-two years. But it is not a valid reason to suffer, myself like this. Or, I just love him more than I love myself.
I suffered in silence means many things to many people. Suffered in a way that you are emotionally or physically battered as an individual or as a partner. Emotionally suffered in silence. Wow! There was a time that my partner told me that he was just in his Lola’s house somewhere in the city but a good friend of mine was riding in the same jeepney where he and his girlfriend were in. I asked him and he did not tell me the truth! From that time on, I did not ask. A year ago, we used to eat lunch outside to Mang Inasal, Jollibee (his favorite fastfood), and a cheap fastfood along the street, but I decided to stop going outside with him because I sensed that he felt something of embarrassment everytime people will see him along with an old “gay”. Stop this eating outside with him! We have always celebrating our special occasions in “our” place instead of going outside. I know to myself that he is included in my family now. But I did not ask if I am included in his priority. I blocked him in one of the social networking sites: facebook. I do not want to see his account, especially the “in a relationship with…” part. Just recently, I used my other facebook account to see his account. I was badly pissed off because he had an effort to make an expensive bouquet of flowers and chocolate cake for her just to celebrated their ONE YEAR. I was so jealous! How I wish that I can experience also such an effort from him. JUST A WISH! NOBODY has the right to hurt me that silent way. I don’t want to abash myself because of that. We argued for so many times and there was a time that I am already jaded of discussing things over and over again. Come what may! He is one of my beneficiaries in one of my memberships in a cooperative. Whatever happens to me in the future, he will receive a sum of money, whether we are still together or not. He is one of the benefactors also. Whatever happens to him, his family will receive a sum of money again. This is my small way of loving him. People told me to separate from him or leave him but I can’t. Saying to leave is easy but if you are already on that situation of making a decisive decision, it’s very difficult. I choose to stay with my partner…no matter what! But still, I have felt the pain and a feeling of no direction where this relationship goes. Time will come he will eventually realize my worth. What I know right now is I love him and he is still my partner, my caregiver and my life.
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